David Viafora's Articles on Lions Roar

Each one of us, says David Viafora, can be a kalyana mitra, or “spiritual friend.” Here’s how. One day, Ananda and the Buddha were sitting alone on a hill together, overlooking the plains of the Ganges. Having served as the Buddha’s attendant for many years, Ananda often shared his reflections and insights with him. This afternoon, Ananda spoke. “Dear Respected Teacher,” Ananda said. “It seems to me that half of the spiritual life is good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship.” I imagine that Ananda said this with some level of confidence for praising the merits of spiritual friendship. But the Buddha quickly corrected him: “Not so, Ananda! Not so, Ananda!” Ouch! Probably Ananda wasn’t expecting such a stern rebuke. But the Buddha was offering a powerful teaching. He continued, “This is the entire spiritual life, Ananda, that is, good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship. When a monk has a good friend, a good companion, a good comrade, it is to be expected that he will develop and cultivate the noble eightfold path.” A kalyana mitra is not just any pal you hang out with. A virtuous friend is someone who uplifts your path to a higher level of ethical and spiritual well-being. Some of early Buddhism’s most powerful teachings resulted from when someone, often Ananda, stuck their neck out only to be corrected or admonished by the Buddha. In this case, the Buddha skillfully removed Ananda’s idea that the sangha and the dharma are separate. One is not half of the other; the sangha is not merely helpful in realizing the path. The sangha is the path. Spiritual friendship is the path. The practice of sangha-building may be considered one long story of spiritual friendship. Strong communities depend on the personal relationships between its members, like a quilt that is woven together of various threads and seams. By strengthening each individual friendship, we strengthen the entire fabric. For anyone who wants to build a happy and thriving sangha, the key is growing beloved friendships. Kalyana Mitra. In Sanskirt, kalyana mitra means “spiritual friend.” Kalyana may be translated as “good, true, virtuous, upright, or beneficial,” and mitra is the root word for maitri, which means kindness. A kalyana mitra is not just any pal you hang out with to hit the clubs or go bar-hopping. A kalyana mitra is someone who helps you realize your deeper aspirations, one who uplifts your path to a higher level of ethical and spiritual well-being. In comparison, the word “friendship” stems from the Old English freon, meaning “to love,” and freo, meaning “free.” So at its roots, friendship means to “love freely.” Thus both words point a selfless kindness toward others. Many people, presented with so many teachings praising the practice of meditation and solitude, think Buddhism is a practice for loners. But the Buddha’s encouragements to practice in solitude were balanced with an ardent emphasis on cultivating worthy friendships. Throughout his teaching career, the Buddha spoke again and again about the pivotal importance of kalyana mitras in order to succeed in one’s practice, stating that there is no other factor so conducive to the arising of the noble eightfold path as good friendship. “Just as the dawn is the forerunner of the sunrise, so good friendship is the forerunner for the arising of the noble eightfold path,” the Buddha stated. The “Discourse on Happiness,” which extols thirty-two blessings of a happy life, begins with “To avoid foolish persons and to live in the company of wise people…, this is the greatest happiness.” There is no factor in our environment so influential to our lives as our closest friends. The Buddha’s emphasis on the profound impact of friendship is similarly captured by Joseph Rubano’s poem, “Friend by Friend”: Who is my mother, Who my father, When I am being created friend by friend? I don’t remember who I was without you. Whether during times of crisis or peace, whether on momentous occasions or very subtly, wherever we live, those around us are impacting our life and consciousness at every moment. The Sangha Solar System. While living at Deer Park Monastery in California, I once overheard a retreatant asking Thay Phap Dung, the abbot and one of Thich Nhat Hanh’s most senior dharma teachers, how to build a sangha in his hometown. Phap Dung replied, The most important thing is the core friendships you create together. That’s everything. You practice every day by yourself, and you share the fruits of your daily practice with the closest members, those who are the core of your group—you know who they are. You offer your freshness, joy, and deep listening to them, and help those friendships to bloom. You can’t fake that kind of thing; people will know whether you have it or not. So build that core community, and when people come to your sangha, those friendships will radiate out. People will see it, and they’ll gravitate to that energy. Phap Dung likened the sangha to a solar system, in which the core friendships are the bright sun at the center. Those core friendships radiate out warmth, light, and gravitational pull for everyone else to orbit around. Some people will be drawn right into the sun’s center, beaming bright with kindness and affection. Some will orbit very closely, like Mercury and Venus, while others will come less regularly, like Saturn or Neptune. Still others, like Pluto or Halley’s Comet, may visit your sangha only once in a long while. But they all will feel the magnetic draw and nourishment of the sun’s strength, warmth, and light. When I visit sanghas, I pay close attention to the quality of their friendships. Do people look at each other with eyes of affection and ease? Do they look at each other at all? Do they spend time hanging out after gathering times or at other times of the week? How do they speak about others when they are together, or more importantly, when they are not together? These are just a few signs of how people express their depth of connection and harmony. What do you observe in your own community? Are you manifesting the depth of companionship together that you yearn for? Many sanghas strive to serve as many people as possible. Our society consistently promotes messages that bigger is better, more is superior, and that size validates our self-worth. This habit energy of super-sizing can dilute and distract from the sangha’s deeper purpose and power. A sangha’s true power lies in its depth of spiritual friendship and harmony, rather than its number of followers. Friendships that embody safety, intimacy, and compassion are what people everywhere in our ailing world are so hungry for—they are what we need to heal. There is nothing wrong with growing one’s community and sharing the blessings of meditation practice more widely. But are the roots of connection dug deep into your sangha’s soil, and the trunk of your togetherness strong enough, to withstand the storms? Deep roots of friendship will nourish the sangha no matter how tall and wide your community grows into the future. The Art of Friendship. I have witnessed young adult sanghas display some of the most creative and sophisticated means of friendship-building. I have spent time, for example, with Wake Up London, a young adult sangha that masterfully combines practice with the art of play, joy, and service. After their Saturday meditation practice downtown, they often go out for pizza or hang out in St. James Park with tea and snacks among the trees. Once or twice a year, they organize a music concert where all are invited, as well as encouraged, to share music, poems, skits, or any creative offering. During the pandemic, a large group of friends went camping on the coast for several days, keeping the flames of joy and companionship burning bright even during the dark times. Many of them have chosen to share flats together, living in mini-sangha houses, sharing all domains of daily life. They spend time together not merely to get ahead in their practice but because they like it! Kareem and Jasmine, a couple who have been practicing in this community for several years, recently said to me with a bright smile, “Our sangha friends have become our best friends now!” They frequently host sangha weekends at their house outside the city, with time for meditation practice as well as hiking in the woods. They invest themselves in each other, and it yields high returns for their community’s happiness. The tight-knit circles of companionship in Wake Up London have brought Thich Nhat Hanh’s legacy of socially engaged practice into the streets of London. They have organized numerous sitting and walking meditation events in public spaces, as well as offered their compassionate and collective presence to peaceful protests for environmental and humanitarian causes such as Extinction Rebellion. One of Wake Up London’s founders, Joe Holtaway, shared, “I believe that our Plum Village–inspired activism has bonded us in action.” Having profound exchanges through meditation and dharma sharing circles is important, yet that’s only one dimension of building friendship. To see the full sphere of someone’s world requires different types of conversations, socially engaged projects, and some good old hangout time. Especially after steeping in meditation together, the atmosphere is ripe for meaningful connection and joyful service. The Four Kinds of Good Friends. The pandemic has provided many of us with ample time, hunger, and encouragement to assess the quality of our closest friendships. Times of isolation, loneliness, and craving for connection are opportunities to reflect on one’s capacity to be a friend to others. The safest way to make good friends is to strengthen one’s own gifts of friendship. It can be so easy for me to blame or feel dependent upon other’s willingness to reach out. But if I really want to grow the friendship, then it’s crucial for me to examine what I’m offering. I have heard Thich Nhat...

La amistad espiritual es el camino

Spiritual Friendship Is the Path

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