The experience of nurturing a young life, entirely dependent on you (and perhaps your partner or family), is beautiful, but it also brings challenges. The transition from pregnancy, being the nongestational parent, or going through the adoption process to actually having a new baby (or babies) often involves sleepless nights, hormonal changes, juggling work, and facing many unknowns. Complex emotions from our own childhood can also surface. As much as our baby needs us, we may struggle to be fully present.
How can we find space for receptivity, respite, and relaxation when our days and thoughts are overflowing? The restorative time we once had for meditation, yoga, exercise, and socializing may no longer be available. It’s imperative to have sustainable practices that keep us present without adding more “to-dos” to our list. Mindfulness—being intentional about what is—can become one of your closest allies. It was for me.
I adopted my first child, Jai, from South Asia. After a year of paperwork, home visits, and more, it was finally time to meet my baby. I spent nearly two months in India while Jai’s visa was finalized, navigating several transitions along the way. My second child, Aanika, was biological, and since I was over thirty-five, the pregnancy was considered slightly high-risk. During this time, I experienced significant hormonal fluctuations and had to have a C-section, which temporarily limited my mobility.
What follows are some practices that helped me build resilience, allowing me to focus on my family and work. There are many practices that can be integrated into new parenting. The key is finding what brings ease to you and your family.
Loving-Kindness Meditation
As new parents, we can experience significant worry and anxiety, so loving-kindness meditation might be just what we need. When some of his monks were afraid in a forest, the Buddha taught them loving-kindness because love and fear cannot coexist. So, when you notice your mind is full of unease, take a few minutes (or more) to practice this meditation, which involves saying kind phrases as you bring to mind different people.
Start with wishing yourself well by quietly or out loud saying whatever phrases you feel are most loving. For example, you could say, “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I feel safe.”
Then moving on to your baby and/or partner, say, “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you feel safe.” Then, if you have time, say the phrases for a neutral person like the postwoman. And finally, if you’re open to it, say the phrases for someone difficult (who could also be one of the above).
Breathwork
Breathwork can offer an intentional connection to our physical state and the present moment. During the first year of my babies’ lives, when I found myself ruminating about the past or anxious about the future, I’d start by simply noticing my breathing and my baby’s breath. I then focused on where I was feeling it in my body. Finally, as needed, I’d elongate the exhalations with sound, often placing a hand on my belly. This activated my parasympathetic nervous system, promoting a sense of calm. Adding an intention to my inhalations and exhalations soothed me when I was particularly rattled. In turn, I could attend to the baby’s needs more clearly.
To practice intentional breaths, say the following phrases to yourself as you inhale and exhale:
Inhale: “I breathe in calm.”
Exhale: “I breathe out peace.”
Inhale: “I breathe in peace.”
Exhale: “I breathe out love.”
Keep breathing and repeating the phrases for a few minutes or more until you have created some spaciousness. Feel free to change the phrases to whatever resonates for you.
Engage the Senses
As a new parent, it was sometimes difficult for me to even notice my breath. My formal meditation practices, which had previously been helpful, fell away in the throes of exhaustion. My thoughts and actions often consumed me, whether it was something banal, like what to make for dinner, or something more complex. For example, while breastfeeding my daughter, I realized I was never breastfed myself. Instead, I spent the first two years of my life with relatives and a helper. This raised questions for me: Did my first years create an attachment disorder? What about the impact of not breastfeeding my son? Complicated emotions arose, and it became difficult to focus and bond with my baby.
To alleviate ruminating thoughts, a mindfulness meditation that I found effective was to intentionally engage the senses. I’d do this in our home while changing diapers, feeding the baby, or trying to put the baby to sleep. I’d focus on really noticing the texture of the diaper, the softness of my baby’s skin, the sound of my baby’s breath and coos, and observing tiny details as well as larger shapes around us. When I sipped water, I’d taste it and feel it going down my throat. Sometimes I threw mint into the water and felt it at the tip of my tongue.
Taking the sensory awareness practice into nature can be fruitful. During a ten-minute walk, I’d listen to birdsong, and it brought a smile to my face. I’d smell the flowers while feeling the weight of holding my baby. These excursions were so rejuvenating that I found it easier to stay present after returning home, which extended my sense of well-being.
Acceptance & Letting Go
Accepting things as they are and letting go of expectations sounds simple, but it’s not always easy. When I was a new parent, I began with small things, like not measuring my baby’s naps. Gradually, I surrendered as much as possible to my baby’s natural rhythm each day. This shift allowed me to be more relaxed about bigger milestones, such as when the baby should start crawling or teething.
To cultivate this practice, I labeled my thoughts as the baby went down to sleep. This exercise of “noting” helped me understand my thinking patterns and discern that thoughts and feelings come and go, allowing me to sense what was actually true in the present.
With noting practice, we observe distractions, and we label them to create space and avoid attachment. Whether seated in formal meditation or going about your day, you can practice noting by bringing awareness to thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they arise. You label them—and then let them go. Here are some example labels you might use:
Thinking: A general label for any thought.
Planning: When you notice you’re planning something.
Judging: When you catch yourself making assumptions.
Worrying: For anxious or negative thoughts.
Remembering: When recalling past events.
Feeling: For emotions like happiness, sadness, anger, etc.
Sensation: For physical reactions like tingling, tightness, warmth, etc.
As you experiment with these practices, notice what enlivens and restores you. It’s important to integrate mindfulness into your daily routine, rather than just turning to it when highly stressed, as the more mindfulness is practiced, the more automatic it becomes.
As you become aware of how much more space and ease you experience when you’re present, you will naturally become even more inspired to practice. Sometimes you’ll still find yourself on autopilot or acting unskillfully; that’s part of being human. Remember, amid the challenges and chaos, this is a miraculous journey of caring for a precious new life and expanding your beloved family.
