About Ayya Khema

What we perceive as the faults of others are simply a reflection of our own. If we observe what is going on in the other person, we can use what we notice as a mirror to know ourselves. A commentary on two verses of the Dhammapada by the late Ayya Khema. Easily seen are the faults of others, Hard indeed to see are one's own; The faults of others you bring to light Like winnowing the chaff, But your own faults you cover up As the trickster conceals a losing throw. Those who always find fault with others, Who criticize constantly, Their own cravings will grow, Far are they from the cessation of their desires. —Dhammapada 252-3 These two stanzas from the Dhammapada are of universal relevance, and capable of generating significant insights. In the first stanza, our tendency to hide our faults is likened to the subterfuge of a cheat, because essentially we are being dishonest with ourselves. To acknowledge how we really are, however, is extremely difficult, particularly with regard to our faults, because our opinion of ourselves is always so wide of the mark—it is either too high or too low. The best way to get a clear and realistic picture of ourselves is to observe ourselves mindfully. It isn't difficult for us to notice other people's faults, as these so frequently annoy us, and in this negative state we are convinced that what we think is right, and that we are entitled to pass judgement. This makes us quick to criticize, and in doing so we forget that our thinking is based on our own opinions, which cannot be completely objective. In a sense, all our opinions are wrong, because they are rooted in our ego-illusion: “I have, I want, I will; I believe, I know, I think.” On the relative level, these opinions of ours may be true, but relative truth can never be enough to completely satisfy us since in the end it can only express the truth of one ego against that of another. One person believes this, another believes that; one does it this way, the other does it exactly the opposite way. Truth built around the notion of an ego cannot be absolute and unadorned. At best, it reflects personal preferences. Relative truth can do no more than that. When we become aware that we are criticizing other people we should immediately realize we are on the wrong track. Our criticism is unlikely to be of use; after all, who has ever changed through being carped at? From the point of view of absolute truth it is a very different picture. From this perspective, we begin to realize that the faults we are concerned with in others should be recognized with the same concern in ourselves. The faults of others are a reflection of our own, otherwise we wouldn't be able to recognize them. When we see someone being angry or showing off, we recognize these failings from our own experience of them in ourselves. We know how these emotional reactions come about and how they feel. By the same token, it is said that only a buddha can recognize a buddha, because only an enlightened one knows about enlightenment. When we become aware that we are criticizing other people we should immediately realize we are on the wrong track. Our criticism is unlikely to be of use; after all, who has ever changed through being carped at? Spreading negativity is always harmful, mostly to ourselves. We can also expect the other person to be annoyed at us, and if we react with anger and resentment, we can get into a vicious circle of ever more negativity, and possibly lose a friend. So criticism is not helpful—but acknowledgement is. If, for example, we notice someone being unmindful, the right response would be, “I wonder how mindful I am at the moment?” This is the only worthwhile response. If we observe something unskillful in someone and want to criticize, we should remind ourselves that criticism is harmful to us. By the time repeated criticism becomes a habit, we have carved ruts of negativity within ourselves. We probably all know someone who habitually criticizes, and we know how unpleasant it is to listen to them. Consequently, we must be on our guard against criticism, and avoid inflicting such an unpleasant habit on others. We should also be aware that every time we criticize we are gradually forming a habit. Conversely, if we take the opportunity to observe what is going on in the other person, we can make use of what we notice in their behavior as a kind of mirror on ourselves. This is a very valuable mirror, because although it may not give us a view of our physical features, it does enable us to embark upon the much more difficult task of knowing ourselves. The task is difficult because not only do we lack awareness, but we prefer it that way—we prefer not to know the truth; we are anxious to avoid it because we fear it will be unpleasant. Two of the eight worldly phenomena are involved here: praise and blame. Preoccupying ourselves with winning praise and avoiding blame is obviously a little absurd, but we don't really question it. In addition, this preoccupation underlies our reluctance to take up any kind of self-analysis: we are afraid to find out things about ourselves for which we might have to accept blame. We prefer to wear blinkers and avoid an all-round look at ourselves. If we take the opportunity to observe what is going on in the other person, we can make use of what we notice in their behavior as a kind of mirror on ourselves. This is a very valuable mirror, because although it may not give us a view of our physical features, it does enable us to embark upon the much more difficult task of knowing ourselves. The fear of blame may be dealt with using the formula, “Acknowledge, don't blame, change.” The first step is to become aware of this fear of being rebuked, and of disagreement, and lack of support and appreciation. The root of all fear is the fear of non-existence. Subliminally it is present in every one of us, and it can surge up in panic, simply because we do not want to incur blame. At the same time we are always ready to blame others, in the belief that this will not harm us. But we are mistaken, for in giving way to negativity, it is we who suffer. The fear of blame is the same as our fear of death, or our fear on behalf of our ego, our self-affirmation. Ultimately, it is the fear of not being here any more. Of course, when we anticipate blame, we are not afraid of actually disappearing on the spot; we are afraid of the disappearance of our self-esteem, which depends on the appreciation of others. Clearly this is crazy, yet most people are totally convinced by this scenario, some to the point of obsession, so that they are forever trying to please everyone. But how can we possibly hope to do this? We do not even know what another person's feelings and wishes are in the first place. Although we cannot make everything right for everyone, we can always try to do what is most skillful. It is a fact of life that we all want acclamation and praise. Our actions are geared to this end, and if our desire is frustrated we become seized by a fear that prevents objectivity. In other words, we are afraid of criticism. To cast off this fear, we should begin by trying not to be so critical ourselves, understanding that whatever we do returns like a boomerang. This first step towards insight into cause and effect—something observable everywhere in the universe—is insufficient to overcome all fear. The second step involves understanding the nature of fear. In our quest for affirmation from others we make ourselves the slaves of our environment. So long as this environment fails to match our expectations, or to confirm how wonderful, intelligent, or beautiful we are, we will continue to be uncomfortable. Such an attitude makes life enormously difficult, and obstructs our progress toward self-knowledge. Conversely, honest self-knowledge is essential in enabling us to let go, including letting go of our fear of blame. We can only let go of that which we have fully recognized for ourselves, and it is quite unnecessary to transform our fear of blame into fear of self-knowledge. The fact that we are able to let go of self after we have understood it doesn't mean that we die. It means that self-centeredness is no longer the dominant force in our life. Things need not revolve around how we see them all the time. Instead, we open up a space within for that which is universally true. We then understand that because there are faults in every aspect of conditioned existence, nothing perfect is to be found anywhere. No one would ever criticize a star in the sky when it becomes a supernova and fades away—we know that it would be pointless to offer such a reproach, since it just happens. But in reality this is the true nature of all things, and it is equally pointless to complain about the unreliability of everything else in the universe. Just consider the fact of impermanence: all that has come into being must pass away, and nothing stays the same. If we try to hold on to an experience of something, it slips away like sand through our fingers. The fundamental unreliability of things can of course become an occasion for blame, especially when other people let us down by not keeping an appointment or not completing a job properly. No one would ever criticize a star in the sky when it becomes a supernova and fades away—we know that it would be pointless to offer such a reproach, since it just happens. But in reality this is the true nature of all things, and it is equally pointless to complain about the unreliability of everything else in the universe. All conditioned things are imperfect. This is why it is worthwhile to look at ourselves without fear and to see what it is about other people that we don't like. Do we dislike their negativity? We should examine ourselves for negativity. Do we dislike their constant attention-seeking? Is it possible that we too have the same desire to be the center of attention? In this way, we will get to know ourselves better...

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