Diana Winston on the difficulties and benefits of meditation while raising a toddler.
Photo by Caleb Woods
I try not to complain that my formal practice has disappeared since I had a baby. I mean, I knew what I was getting into. For the first year of my daughter’s life, my formal practice was spotty at best, and often most accessible in the middle of the night when I couldn’t go back to sleep after the latest feeding. So I went for sleepy-meditation over nothing at all. My daily life practice was alive and well, but I missed formal practice.
Well one night while meditating, I had the brainstorm of bringing back formal practice in toddler-friendly style. And thus we instituted “family meditation time.” My daughter is only one so we don’t have too high of a bar. We sit together, the three of us, for five minutes. We have one of those wooden pyramid timers that we set for five minutes; we all listen for the ding (extremely exciting to the one year old in all of us). Then my husband and I close our eyes and try to meditate. (Operative word: “try”).
And what does my daughter do? She tries to nurse. She fiddles with the bell. She pokes us and giggles. She wanders about, not too far usually. Sometimes she whines and occasionally cries. Once she seemed like she was meditating along with us—for about two seconds. More often than not she’s jumping on us.
At first I tried to keep my eyes shut and do my thing. But she was doing her thing too, which initially I found cute. Then, slowly, it became frustrating, and then downright annoying. You can’t say “Mama and Papa are meditating” to a one year old. So I started opening my eyes, handing her toys to distract, offering some milk. That worked to a certain degree, but alas, my precious five minutes were dwindling.
Then one day I realized—wait a minute, my wild mind is like a one-year-old’s anyway: full of wants, aversions, distractions. Why don’t I just include her as part of my meditation field, just like how I am aware of my mind? And so I settled back, opened my eyes, and let the baby’s antics become part of the passing show. I breathed with her. I smiled, she cooed. She bonked me with a book, and I just sat there and took it all in— spacious, open, wild-child mind.
We end each meditation session with a song inspired in the moment. Sometimes it’s a kids song for her—“Five Little Ducks.” Last week it was an old Dead Kennedys song to make my husband laugh. And more often than not it’s the Beatles, which seems to work for everyone.
Now we don’t get to it every day. Again, I lower my expectations. And I wonder— how are other parents incorporating meditation into their family life?
Thanks Diana! I needed this. I find that walks with my little Lola are a great chance to be meditative and mindful. She toddles to and fro and stops to examine every flower, animal, and piece of trash. I am forced to slow down and enjoy the process.
This bought tears to my eyes! Truly truly living in the moment. And what beautiful moments.
"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -unknown
I can't help but wonder what DK song meditation might have inspired! Jello is a wise man, however…
(Via Facebook)
Really nice article, thanks for sharing!
For me, fulfilling the duties and responsibilities of being a parent to three kids while at the same time maintaining a daily formal practice continues to be an huge challenge, but one that has provided immense opportunities for spiritual growth.
For one, it helps strengthen my will – it's definitely harder to rise before dawn on 4 hours of sleep than it is on 6 or 7. But every time I choose to be honest with myself that I can still maintain consistency despite the increased level of effort, my discipline becomes stronger, and thereby more resistant to getting knocked off-course by distractions in the future.
Second, the need to sacrifice time and energy for the care of others forces me to make decisions about my real priorities, which helps to purge thoughts and tendencies from myself that aren't conducive to my overall (spiritual) goal. E.g., there's nothing inherently wrong with Facebooking until 1am; but it doesn't exactly help me wake up to meditate the next morning! 🙂
Last (and this is very similar to what you described with you daughter), the simple experience of sharing time being in the moment with my kids is a daily real-world re-minder that the "spiritual" experience is as much about bringing that mindset/remembrance into my external-world activity, as it is about nurturing the experience itself, via formal internal-practice. So at its best, my morning meditation starts me off with the right mindset / awareness / mindfulness / remembrance, which I can then bring into my engagement with others over the course of the day, which can heighten this experience, which then sets me up for meditation the next morning, etc.
all the best,
-Peter
Largely if I try and meditate, it's after the family has gone to bed, late at night. But thanks to this article, that's something I might try and reconsider. Thank you for this.
Hello Diane,
what true words and experiences! I have similar experiences, my son Noah is now 2…you may find my Babachant classes inspirational, I run Sacred Sound and Meditation for Parents and Cildren weekly and it is growing steadily. I am running a Facilutator Training Course Next year as well. http://www.babachant.com/
Blessings,
Julia